Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old
daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight
and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put
under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next
morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his
earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box
He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a
present, there's supposed to be something inside it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,"Oh,
Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you,
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he
begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and
whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and
remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold
container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children,
friends, family and God. There is no more precious possession anyone
Thursday, February 28, 2008
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Saturday, February 23, 2008
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now."
"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.
He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Claudius was having trouble getting men to serve in his army. He felt many men would not volunteer to join because they did not want to leave their wives and families. He thought that if men were not married, they would join the army. So Claudius passed a new law which did not allow any more marriages. Most people thought this law was cruel. Valentine, who was a minister, did not support the new law.
Even after Emperor Claudius passed the law, he kept performing marriage ceremonies secretly. One night he was caught and thrown in jail and told he would be put to death.
Many young people came to visit Valentine. One was the daughter of the prison guard. On the day of his death Valentine wrote a note to the daughter signed "Love from your Valentine". This was on February 14, 269 A. D.
Some say this started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day।
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?"
He then walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Once upon a time, there lived a big lion in a jungle. Every day he hunted and killed many animals to satisfy his hunger. The animals were worried that one day none of them would be left alive. They all decided to go to the lion and find a solution to this problem.
When the lion saw all the animals approaching, he was very happy as he thought that he would not have to take the trouble to hunt. He could just kill all the animals together once and for all.
One of the animals stopped him and pleaded that he listen to what they had to say first. He went on to explain that as the lion was king of the jungle, and all the other animals were his subjects, the lion would not be a king at all if he killed all his subjects. He would have no one left to rule over. He suggested that if the lion stayed home, one animal would surrender itself each day as food for the lion. The lion agreed to this offer on the condition that if they ever failed to send him an animal, he would go on a killing spree and finish all of them off.
From then on, each day an animal was sent to the lion and the lion was pleased.
One day it was the turn of a little rabbit to sacrifice his life to provide food for the lion. This little one did not want to be the lion's meal. He thought of a plan that would save his life as well as the lives of all the other animals in the jungle.
The rabbit slowly made his way to the lion's den. The lion was pacing up and down, extremely hungry. He was furious when all he saw was a little rabbit. He wanted to kill all the animals in a rage. The rabbit timidly explained that the animals had actually sent him six rabbits, but five of them were killed and devoured by another lion.
The lion roared in anger. He wanted to know who this other lion was who dared to steal his food. The rabbit stuttered that it was a very big lion. He had warned the other lion not to eat him as his king would be very angry and definitely come to fight him. The rabbit went on to say that that the other lion had called His Majesty an impostor and had challenged him to prove who was actually the king of the jungle. The lion was furious. He asked the rabbit to take him to the other lion as he wanted to kill him.
The little rabbit led the lion to a well and told him that the other lion was in there. The lion peered into the well and saw his own reflection. He thought it was the other lion. He let out a huge roar which echoed back at him. He immediately jumped into the well to attack what he thought was the other lion. The lion dashed his head against the rocks and drowned.
The jubilant little rabbit returned to other animals to spread the good news.
Once upon a time, a clever monkey lived in a tree that bore juicy, red rose apples. He was very happy.
One fine day, a crocodile swam up to that tree and told the monkey that he had travelled a long distance and was in search of food as he was very hungry. The kind monkey offered him a few rose apples. The crocodile enjoyed them very much and asked the monkey whether he could come again for some more fruit. The generous monkey happily agreed.
The crocodile returned the next day. And the next. And the next one after that. Soon the two became very good friends. They discussed their lives, their friends and family, like all friends do. The crocodile told the monkey that he had a wife and that they lived on the other side of the river. So the kind monkey offered him some extra rose apples to take home to his wife. The crocodile's wife loved the rose apples and made her husband promise to get her some every day.
Meanwhile, the friendship between the monkey and the crocodile deepened as they spent more and more time together. The crocodile's wife started getting jealous. She wanted to put an end to this friendship. So she pretended that she could not believe that her husband could be friends with a monkey. Her husband tried to convince her that he and the monkey shared a true friendship. The crocodile's wife thought to herself that if the monkey lived on a diet of rose monkeys, his flesh would be very sweet. So she asked the crocodile to invite the monkey to their house.
The crocodile was not happy about this. He tried to make the excuse that it would be difficult to get the monkey across the river. But his wife was determined to eat the monkey's flesh. So she thought of a plan.
One day, she pretended to be very ill and told the crocodile that the doctor said that she would only recover if she ate a monkey's heart. If her husband wanted to save her life, he must bring her his friend's heart.
The crocodile was aghast. He was in a dilemma. On the one hand, he loved his friend. On the other, he could not possibly let his wife die. The crocodile's wife threatened him saying that if he did not get her the monkey's heart, she would surely die.
So the crocodile went to the rose apple tree and invited the monkey to come home to meet his wife. He told the monkey that he could ride across the river on the crocodile's back. The monkey happily agreed. As they reached the middle of the river, the crocodile began to sink. The frightened monkey asked him why he was doing that. The crocodile explained that he would have to kill the monkey to save his wife's life. The clever monkey told him that he would gladly give up his heart to save the life of the crocodile's wife, but he had left his heart behind in the rose apple tree. He asked the crocodile to make haste and turn back so that the monkey could go get his heart from the apple tree.
The silly crocodile quickly swam back to the rose apple tree. The monkey scampered up the tree to safety. He told the crocodile to tell his wicked wife that she had married the biggest fool in the world.