Saturday, January 5, 2008

Carrying a Child

"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said the teacher.
One small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."
What's Your Name?
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.
"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed." asked my boss.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed,' so I figured it's just easier to be Ed!"

Remember Me?

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher!"

New Year's Day

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football games on television or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile. "You didn't miss a thing!"

Car Trouble

A young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her.
"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.
"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.
"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."

Pet Hamster

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they promised they would take care of it, mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her five-year-old son replied quizzically, "Uh, once?"

Better Days

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

Christmas Cards

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So, he decided to send checks to everyone instead.
In each card, he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.
He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities and it was only after the holiday that he noticed he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened.
It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk, that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.

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